I cannot shed this sadness.  I close my eyes and breathe in deep, but I only awaken to the same picture, to the same feeling that continues to linger deep inside me.  I know why it's there, though I wish with all my soul that it leave either way....but it cannot....at least not yet....

What is Love?  It is something I have yet to understand, to know, to experience.  There are times where I find myself cold and hard on the inside - immune to the vulnerability that this "love" exumes upon the wretched souls who become ensnared in her trap.  I am ruthless and independent - I find no need to thrive on such emotions to find happiness and fulfillment in my life.  For a while, I feel that I can live strong as I am without such an essence of life....without this thing that every human seems to give up everything for...

For a while I curse it....

And then another part of me is awakened - from time to time she opens her eyes and slowly warms my once dead heart....then I feel the sensation flow through me, and I am reminded of why such a thing as Love is so adored - so revered.  But I am never granted it...I am given a taste of what I presume to be love, but it is then ripped away from me...as well as my heart.  How many times my heart has been crushed and stepped upon, though I must humbly admit half of it is my fault....though still...everyone around me I find happy as they have found that one person who resonates with their soul, with their being....but me, well...maybe there is no one that is my other half.  Maybe some of us are wandering souls....with no counterpart...here to simply fulfill the tasks desired...to do what they need to do. 

I don't know....I find myself more human at times and some when I don't, and it confuses me.  Two people at once - two faces, two hearts.  Maybe I'm afraid of letting the two be one...afraid of admitting that I can be vulnerable at times....afraid that I, too, am susceptible to Love....

I just don't know....but a part of me yearns for a touch of another...aches and burns for it...the soul does weep for a companion no matter how cold and dead the heart my become....it may make the pain more bearable at times...but nevertheless the pain still resides...

All I can do is just live...and hope that some day what was intended for me will be stumbled upon and my soul may smile once more.

For now, I'll carry on on my own...my strength is enough.

but for how long?

Life...

something so perilous, so cruel and  unpredictable - but at the same time so beautiful, and so worth living.

I may not be one who has faced the most austere and terrible of fates, nor do I have the justification or right to proclaim myself as one who has suffered much in life - I consider myself extremely lucky and blessed, even if such a gift I take for granted.  But, as any human on this realm, I have had my share of troubles....one tiny rock may be nothing but of a nuisance, but many tiny rocks manifest into an avalanche - trapping and suffocating, lost in the dark and feeling hopeless as light forever becomes a mere memory drifting beyond the cracks of stone.

No, feeling sorry for yourself will not solve your problems, nor will it make you feel better.  It only pushes you deeper under the stones, away from the world, away from yourself, away from your sanity and strength.  I've hit that point, the point where you find yourself trapped under despair, under fear and self-pity, under anger and rage and sadness - all combined into on emotional torrent that begins to descend upon the soul.  No matter how strong - the soul becomes buried.  That, though, does not mean it cannot break free once again.

Hardships have come to accompany me along my journey as of recent - walking hand in hand with me - twisting my wrist in pain as I stumble along.   But I cannot let that stop me or drag me down.  I will not let it defeat me, I will not let it give me an excuse to give up.  I can't. I won't.  Hard times happen - thus is life.  Without such pain, pleasure and happiness would not be worthwhile...and life would be uttery dull and pointless.  I know this, even though I curse the troubles that fall upon me, even though I know everyone on this world suffers...far worse than I will ever have to endure.   Adversity grants you strength if you are willing to except and pass her challenges, her games and battles.  And that strength, I feel, is worth the pain.....for it reminds me of why I'm here, and why life is so precious and must be lived - and self pity and sorrow do no good.

On your feet once more.

One chapter closes, and another one begins.

New beginnings, only fate knows how long they will last, how long they are willing to stay and amuse me, or break my heart - either or will be the outcome, though I do favor the former than the latter.

This place is suffocating, my soul yearns to be somewhere else, somewhere where I can breathe, see, feel, touch instead of beeing entrapped within this zombie-state of disappointment and misery.  This place is the past - long lost memories of joy and sadness.  That's all this is, a memory.  Then why must I come back to it?  I wish I could leave it forever, but the ghosts still haunt me and pull the strings of my heart, just like a puppet.  Controlled by the puppeteer of emotions.

What of this soul?  Of the one that glanced at me, and warmed that frozen part of myself.  What of it?  Was it nothing but a sheer moment of relief?  Coincidence? Mercy from God? Or something more... 

I become unfrozen, yet how quickly I am allowed to freeze up again - untill I will finally crack.  No matter, it is the least of my worries...more important things plague my mind - for good and bad.  Though my soul still aches for its companion...if it really has one....Though does not do one good to linger on such thoughts, on such things that are forever unknown and have yet to happen.  Better to focus on here, on now, and keep on walking this path I have chosen myself with determination and strong will.

About to leave this desolate realm again - my soul cannot bear it any longer.  I am anxious to leave - to go back where I belong, where I can be free and spread my wings once again and discover more and more as I journey onward.  I cannot wait - this place can drive one to insanity, and has already done so to those around me.  I have to leave - I do not belong here, no soul does....it is draining, suffocating...full of illusion and lies.  What a shame.  Was once such an innocent place, now it has been raped with lies and betrayal, forever scarred with wounds that shall never heal.  Shadows that shall always follow behind those who walk these streets.  Forever haunting, forever hurting. Endless pain.  How could anyone stay here?  Oh so soon I'll be gone...I wish I wasn't forced to come here - but what one does for others is more important than what one does for themself.  I guess what does not kill you makes you stronger....

Dreams still a blur...amusing how the purpose of this was to keep them up to date, yet I have still been unable to record such surreal visions.  Hopefully next time will be more promising and I will be able to write more than my rants and raves of life.  Complaining usually doesn't do anyone good, unless it is to clear and relieve the mind.  Yet such babble only makes sense to the babbler no?

Sleep beckons for me to come to her...

All is well.

Can I go on living alone like this?  Will I always be strong enough?  Or is it you that makes me stronger.....